Happy 3 months to my babies!!!

I can not believe the boys are 3 months old already! The last three months have been the happiest and the hardest of my life so far. The babies themsleves are a breeze (I truly thank God eveyday that I am their mom) all the worrying that comes along with them is the hard part..........

Honestly I have been beginning to count down the days until the boys come off of their monitors (our appt if the first week of Jan)... Obviously I am so thankful we have had them but the boys had been doing so well, and really, the monitors make life pretty difficult.... pluging them in to charge, unpluging them to change diapers, removing and reattaching the leads because both babies break out in terrible rashes, cutting holes in their clothes to protect them from the wires (they were beginning to make Jamison's belly bleed) between the wires to the outlet to charge and the wires to the babies we get tangled up ALOT not to mention tripping over them constantly, and now with Jamison being so chubby it makes the leads have a harder time sensing his lung movement leading to ALOT of false alarms (the other night their were 12) makes getting any sleep for me pretty tough... really it can all be pretty stressful..........

So like I said, everything was going awesome. Weston hadn't had any alarms to really speak of since coming home.... until this week. He had one heart rate drop the other night when he was refluxing. I know I have mentioned Weston is not much of a crier, he really has more of a cute whimper... if he refluxes it becomes a blood curdling scream.... when its really bad he turns blue then purple gets very stiff and trys so hard to scream nothing comes out... obviously since I sleep in their room I hear it right away. So the other night I hear the gurgle (happens just before the cry) and reached to grab the bulb to suction his nose in that amount of time (approx 5-10sec) his heart rate dropped and I needed to stimulate him to bring it back... same night he had another heart rate drop when he was sleeping but he came back pretty quickly. Tonight on the other hand, was awful.....................

I did their bath and bedtime routine, tucked them in, they were sound asleep and Pat went to bed. Since it was only 9:00 pm (I know... alot of toddlers stay up later then Pat does) I decided to wrap some Christmas presents. About 9:30 all of the sudden the blood curdling scream... I drop everything and run to get to him. At full speed, before I even hit the stairs he was already alarming on the monitor (our house is small it was like 10 seconds, if that long).... I grabbed him... he was purple, not breathing, no longer crying, tears rolling down his cheeks and spit up out coming out his nose and mouth........It was the worst I have ever seen and it scared me to death. I stimulated him, rubbing his back, begging him to get it together ( thankful to be trained but hope to NEVER need to perform CPR on either of my children) and get his heart rate to come back, which took longer then usual (every second feels like hours when these episodes happen) and then got him suctioned and back to normal. I would love to say I sat and rocked him and cuddled him after, but I didn't. I was so scared and shaken up, I put him back in his bed and went and cried. It is just not fair that babies have to go through this..... he was in so much pain and so helpless it broke my heart. Its like just when you think we have finally crossed the dangerous hurdles something like this happens and all of my fears come back..... what would happen if I was in the shower or in the bathroom??? Would I hear it in time??? I can't even think about it...

And then we have our little Jamison........ he hadn't had any real lung alarms since our last Dr apt (lots of false ones... and yes I jump to my feet just as quickly no matter what...) and he hasn't had a low heart rate in forever. Yesterday we were on our way to a friends house, Pat was going to the football came with the husband and I was staying behind at their house with the wife and baby boy who is about a month and a half older then our babies. The time we had to leave was about the same time as his bottle was due so I sat in back this way I could feed him (not the first time I have done this). That may sound crazy but its the perfect angle for a reflux baby to be feed at, Dr even recomends having them sleep in it .... anyways.. he was sucking away and all of the sudden a panic look on his little face and bam--- heart rate dropped... luckily he came out of it pretty quickly.

As I sit here typing this post (heating pad on my ankle since I have now re-injured it during my dash up the stairs) I am very sure of three things.......

1) I will never take the time I have with my babies for granted. Every moment is precious, even if I am elbow deep in poo or pacing the floor with a screaming baby at 3:00am, its one more minute we have together.

2) If I make it to their 1st birthday without a head full of gray hair or without some anxiety pills I will be amazed :)

3) They will not be coming off of their monitor at the next appointment.........