Tuesday 9/28/10

Well today is.......... one of those days... not the whole day, more so this evening......

Weston had a FABULOUS day!! I was so excited to see him this morning without his picc line and I was finally able to put some clothes on him. What a little peanut. He is swimming in the preemie outfits but looks so so cute in them. We did a little kangaroo this morning, he took his bottle like a champ this afternoon, had a nice little photo and footprint session with his nurse and got some snuggle time in with his daddy this evening.... overall couldn't ask for better. They even increased the amounts for his feeding so hopefully we can get him nice and pudgy soon :)

Jamison on the other hand..... the "spells" are killing me. He had one small one and one big one this morning during his bottle and I cried.... I know I don't cause them but when it happens when he is in your hands it certainly feels like its my fault... his nurse tried to make me feel better by explaining everything about this developmental stage, but it doesn't really help. I had talked to Pat a bit about it as well and he also tried to make me feel better, also didn't help.... This afternoon during his bottle he had another spell and I threw in the towel, asked the nurse to feed him so I could watch to see if there is anything else I can do to help him.... Basically he drinks so much at once he has to gulp it down and he overwhelms himself, so you really have to pace him and sometimes even when you are he still does it, the suck, swallow, breath is just hard for him, especially when he is tired.... poor baby turns red and pants just to get through it... he used to take his bottle fine but now with so much milk and drinking every bottle he is struggling. So it was no surprise when we went back tonight to find him with a feeding tube :( He was so alert when we were there and he was sticking out his tongue looking for the bottle so the nurse told us to try it out and see how he does... ummmm I was not doing it, so Pat did. The baby started to spell and choke, it was the worse one yet... I can't even tell you how horrible it makes you feel, and now unfortunately Pat felt it too... he said "it just makes my stomach hurt to think I almost choked the baby..." It just there are so few signs before it happens... and even though the nurses say its fine, it just doesn't feel fine.

I am going to be a wreck when the babies come home. I KNOW the hospital won't let them come home until they are strong enough, but still. I have never been much of a worrier with babies, I have taken care of so many and I have been through just about all of the crazy baby related things but nothing can prepare you for preemies. Please let them grow out of this stage soon.

Which brings me to tonight. When we first moved here I had joined a pregnant moms group. There are 12 of us and we were all due about the same time (well over the course of about 8 weeks). Its set up so you all meet and get to know each other while pregnant and then when the babies arrive it becomes a nice playgroup for the little ones and a fun get together for the moms.... So tonight I got an email with the newest additions' photos and a little note about how they are doing and I kind of lost it. Not that I am not happy for her, or for all of the ladies in the group, its just a reminder of what having a newborn typically entails and I just hate seeing my babies have such a hard time doing normal things like, eating, breathing, having their tiny hearts beat. Of course this falls back on me.... if I had just been pregnant a bit longer, neither of the boys would be in this situation... the guilt of having premature babies is tough, it was my job to carry them to term and I wasn't able to. I am supposed to grab some coffee with this group on Thursday but I don't think I can.... not sure if I can make it through seeing all of their babies without getting to upset and as much as I know they care about how my babies are doing, they don't understand. In tonights email there were pictures of her and the baby laying together, the baby taking a bath, the baby sleeping in her bassinet.... none of the things I can enjoy with my little guys... blame it on the hormones or me just being crazy, it just really hit me hard tonight, I just wish I could make them both better.

They have a NICU support group at the hospital that meets on Fridays and from what I hear its very helpful. I think I may try to make it, maybe it will make the next few weeks a bit easier....